Lack of sleep

I’m so sleepy but can’t take a nap. I’ve tried, but still I’m not asleep, so I just get back to the computer. But I’m soooooo drowsy.. my eyes hurt..

Tick. Tick. Tick.

I feel like a human time bomb. Just waiting my head to explode.

Health indicator

I found my tinnitus is like my health indicator. When I’m not feeling well (not getting enough sleep, too tired, kehujanan dll) the beat sounds louder. But when I’m healthier, it sounds softer. Weird, huh? But it’s funny to have health indicator like that =D

Ibuprofen

From my last visit to the doctor, I was given new medicine called Ibuprofen, it’s for regular headache (not vertigo), I usually just take paramex (paracetamol). But later I googled it and found out that Ibuprofen is milder than aspirin products. So now I use it even when I just start to headache (mild ones). Usually I wait if it’s going better or not. If it became severe then I take paramex, cause I know it’s a hard medicine so I don’t want to use it very often. But now I consume Ibuprofen everyday, since I always have this mild headache, maybe because right now I’m on holiday, and my boyfriend out of town so I have nothing to do and I just go online or watch dvds, all of that activities always make me headache!

Anonymous

The reason why I make this blog is of course to let my emotion go.. just to express my feeling and share it. But why I don’t want to write it in my real blog is I don’t want to look whine all the time. Perhaps I just should keep it in my PC and not publish it to the world, but the truth is I want to share it with someone. So hopefully somene will accidentally stumble in this blog maybe through google or something, with that particular keyword. Maybe someone who has the same disease like me? We can support each other. I need that =P

Second opinion, please?

Akhirnya gue sampai di titik dimana gue udah kesel banget sama dokter-dokter ini.. argh.. tapi gimanapun they the only one I can afford.. rasanya pengen banget dapet perawatan yang lebih bagus dan dokter yang lebih kompeten tapi masalahnya kembali di duit :(.

Sekarang ini gue lagi bingung harus gimana. Gue nggak pengen dateng lagi, tapi terus gimana? Masa gue biarin aja? Kalo semuanya bertambah parah gimana? Tapi sama merekapun nggak ada kemajuan apa-apa.. malah kemunduran doang..

Tinnitus nggak sembuh, sakit kepala dan vertigo masih sering.. I can deal with it, actually. Just being haunted by the “there’s something worse behind that” and I still don’t know what is it! Argh!

Anyway, tekanan darah gue jadi rendah lagi, setelah kemaren-kemaren sempet normal. Kenapa ya?

Take a step back and ponder

Bukannya gue ga percaya sama dokter-dokter di Indonesia.. tapi kok.. kelihatannya mereka tidak kompeten ya. Bukannya gue juga ngerasa lebih pinter dari mereka yang udah kuliah kedokteran bertahun-tahun bahkan in this case sudah menempuh bertahun ekstra untuk spesialisasi saraf, but me myself as the owner of this vessel (halah) tentunya yang paling tahu tentang keadaan badan gue sendiri bukan begitu?

Plus.. they’ve been handling a lot patients not just me.. jadinya ga kayak gue, mereka tentunya ga meluangkan waktu berjam-jam untuk meneliti gue dan mempelajari segala sesuatu.. mreka hanya meluangkan beberapa menit dengan gue.. sedangkan gue,meskipun bukan mahasiswa kedokteran dan kadang pusing sendiri sama istilah2 asing yang gue ga kenal.. tapi gue berusaha keras buat mempelajari apa yang sedang terjadi dengan badan gue ini.

Dan gue pusing aja, sama obat-obatan yang mereka kasih ke gue. Dan beberapa hal yang gue ga ngerti malah semakin gue ga ngerti abis gue googling.. like it doesn’t make sense..

Apa sebenernya yang terjadi sama gue? Hiks..

Headache

Aku mulai sering sakit kepala sejak SMA. Biasanya kalau telat makan, kepanasan, kecapekan, kelamaan depan komputer/tvkadang-kadang kalau mengeluarkan emosi berlebihan (marah/nangis) juga suka sampe sakit.. sampe2 akhirnya selalu bawa2 obat sakit kepala kemana2 (pertamanya biogesic, tapi setelah coba paramex ternyata paramex ampuh banget). Pernah baca juga salah satu penyebab tinnitus karena konsumsi berlebihan produk aspirin, but I never really know..



Karena tahu pemicunya di atas, sebisa mungkin sih dihindari. Meskipun belum lapar, tapi makan harus tepat waktu.. tapi kadang-kadang masih kambuh jadi sakitnya, terutama pemicu yang susah dihindari. Dan nggak tau kenapa akhir-akhir ini, meskipun udah menghindari pemicu-pemicu itu, dan merasa semuanya baik-baik saja, tapi tetep kambuh sakit kepalanya.



Sekarang aku lagi mengonsumsi obat untuk vertigo, meskipun nggak tahu juga ampuh atau nggak karena kalau dapet vertigo emang jarang sih nggak sesering sakit kepala biasa. Dan aku bener-bener nggak tahu pemicunya apa (nggak kayak pemicu sakit kepala), suka datengnya tiba-tiba aja. Jadi susah untuk dihindari. Tapi semenjak minum obat itu kok sering ada perasaan aneh di kepala ya, seperti kesemutan dan terasa penuh.. tapi bukan pusing.. hard to explain. Aku pikir mungkin efek samping dari obat. Waktu aku ceritain ke dokter dia nggak memberi jawaban memuaskan tapi setidaknya dia nggak bilang itu efek yang berbahaya. Nggak taulah.



Be fine, my little precious head..

I still hope I'm just dreaming

They love me like I was their daughter
They protect me, listen to me
They dug me my very own garden
Gave me sunshine
made me happy
Nice dream..
Nice dream..
Nice dream..

(if you think that you're strong enough)
(if you think you belong enough)

Nice Dream..

Priorities.. what priorities?

I’m losing my priorities.. academic title? working? socializing? What the use of all that.. none.. there is no use anymore..

I just want to lay myself on bed, and disappear..

exchange bodies

If I have the ability to exchange bodies, I am far more than willing to do it with you, sister. I can’t stand to see you hurt like that. I don’t mind to take your suffer.

You have always been our parents’ favorite child and I don’t mind. At all, really. Coz you’re a nice daughter and I’m the one who always got into trouble.

And you have husband and son who really loves you, and needs you. And you have a lot of workers who need you too, they will lose their job and money if you’re gone.

That’s a lot of people.

And who needs me? No one.

So let’s exchange bodies.. not really, I mean exchange disease.. hehe.. (taunya abis tukeran gue yang malah sembuh dari kanker dan kerusakan saraf otak dia malah menyebar dan makin parah dan kakak gue jadi lumpuh or something.. sama aja boong.. huhuhuhu)

Hit the rockbottom

I knew sooner or later this would happen. All this time I never fake a smile and pretend to be tough coz I’m tough for real.. but I know sooner or later I would break down.. but not because the problem itself (I’m still tough about that) but some things that follow, the issues I always have earlier that now I have to face once again.

I posted before that I know it’s all my fault. That it’s not fair when I don’t love them first I demand them to love me now. But I think.. apa yah.. senakal2nya anak, sedurhaka2nya anak, when they got into trouble, masa sih ga dikasih support? If they made mistake, iya pasti dimarahin dulu, tapi abis itu kan dibantuin kali. Nah gue nggak salah apa-apa.. yang ada malah lagi ‘dikasih cobaan’ kayak gini, masa sih nggak mau sayang sama gue? Pathetic me! The same issues all over again.. “kurang kasih sayang” huhuhuhu.. watirrr

For once I don’t tell my boyfriend I cried last night. Coz I know if I said “nobody loves me..” He would say “Kan ada aku..” And I don’t want that :(. Ga boleh ya gue ngelunjak masa iya yang sayang sama gue cuman satu orang.. sigh..

determination

This is my meal for Idul Adha.

Just a plain capcay -with low salt that made it even tasteless-. Poor me.. But not really once you have that strong determination to change, everything is easy and the food tastes delicious! Yeah actually I have no difficulties on eating healthy food (spinach, salad, broccoli, grains, soy.. YUMMY!), and I don’t like junk food (as in fast food) much, but my guilty pleasures are hawker foods like batagor, pempek, baso.. oh my.. those are hard to resist :( So yeah it needs hard work and really determined to it, and family&friends’ supports! (and I started to preach them about healthy foods :P)

“Dis-moi ce que tu manges, je te dirai ce que tu es.” said Frenchman Brillat-Sabarin, which means “Tell me what you eat and I will tell you what you are.” I agree that what you eat reflects who you are, at least reflects how far you concern about your own health and body :P

I’m not a vegetarian (or not yet?). Even my role-model, Kris Carr, turned into vegan since she’d been diagnosed by the c-word, gue nggak akan ikut-ikutan. Nggak tau kenapa dari dulu konsep vegetarian ini nggak masuk aja di hati gue. Meskipun gue penyayang binatang, tapi gue pikir ada beberapa hewan yang memang tercipta untuk diternakkan dan dikonsumsi manusia seperti ayam, kambing, sapi, ikan dll. Asal nggak disiksa aja. Dan kalo soal sehat, gue merasa masih membutuhkan protein hewani coz they’re not all bad. Harus picky aja mana yang bagus mana yang jelek, dan yang paling penting nggak kebanyakan! Porsinya dikit aja, lebih banyakin sayur buah kacang2an dan protein nabati lainnya. At least I’ve turned from 75% meat 25% veggies to vice versa. Lumayanlah, pelan2 :P. Dan syukurnya gue emang suka, bukan karna kepaksa.

And this is my desserts :P

I’m not sick, I’m just damaged

“You look pretty for a sick girl,” he said when he accompanied me for my weekly visit to hospital.

“That’s because I’m not sick. I’m just.. err.. damaged. You know, if I were a machine, one of my wires is being cutoff, KONSLET you know konslet?”

“So what are you? Human or machine?”

“Yeah yeah.. I know. I should ask the doctors what the medical name for this. It’s kinda strange to explain to people, like yesterday I met a friend and we chatted and she asked me what’s my disease and I told her the cut-off wire thing like I’m some kind of robot.. hahaha.. I should’ve known the medical name, you know something sound cool and sophisticated disease like Spinocerebellar Atrophy or Cerebellar Hemorrhage.. So if people ask me they will said ‘whoaa! That’s cool!’”

“That’s not cool, Dev.. That’s scary. You’re crazy!”

“I know.”

“So.. can the ‘wire’ thing can be replaced, or fixed, or something?”

“I’m afraid not. What I can do is just to prevent another wire from being damage too. By changing my lifestyle.”

“Or else?”

“Or else.. you don’t wanna know.”

“What is it?”

“You know what the worst part it?”
”What?”

“Not be able to remember you.”

“Really?”

“Don’t worry. I will not make that happen. I’m taking care all of the wires remains. That would make a good movie thou, I don’t remember you but we still love eachother, you know like in that Korean movie.. maybe they would make us a movie and I’d being played by BCL and you’d being played by Desta!”

“You’re crazy.”

“I know.”